it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
