my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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