Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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