You made me cry and you don't even care
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
