not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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