I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
