Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
