What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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