Screwed.edu
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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