i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
