My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
