shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
