i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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