The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
