if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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