And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
