ya dads aren't the best wingmen
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
