I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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