she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
When are your genitals available?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
