you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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