Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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