I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
