Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
