from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
