i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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