wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
