Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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