the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
