First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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