I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
