In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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