I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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