ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
