Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
