Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
