Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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