is your mom at the bar?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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