I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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