but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
