Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
