Just fell off a train. Bad.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
