someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
