DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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