I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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