oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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