Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
