I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You can't motorboat a personality
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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