Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
