I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
