wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
